Again I amazed at how fast this 92 day Juice feast is going....can't believe I am on day 55 already. I have ups and downs on this journey but have to say right now I am on on a up swing. I had Raechel hide the scale as I felt it was causing a lot of my problems. It freed me from the bondage I was feeling to what the scale said...so now am focusing back on my health journey. I do feel as if I am losing again just due to clothes being looser and the mirror...how much only time will tell. I think I will not weigh myself until the end of the 92 days. Once again trying to break another bad habit I have managed to acquire through the years.
It has been crazy busy the last three weeks and I have also learned I have to allow the time to juice into my schedule. I was not doing that and would end up not eating...lol...drinking...for several hours and of course I would experience the extreme sugar levels dropping to the point of being sick...nausea, headaches and complete exhaustion...that is not good. Plus being totally hungry. I was stalling my metabolism at this point making it go into starvation mode thus halting any weight loss.
I am probably repeating myself here....but because I think it is important and so many women do this to themselves to maintain the beauty the world places on us..I believe it bears repeating. So if I can prevent one woman or help another to understand that maybe it isn't because she is weak and has no will power...that they can take power over their lives and circumstances and try to prevent or change them then maybe my struggles will all be worth it.
It is ironic I think that most the USA thinks overweight people sit and eat all day...not the case. Most overweight people don't eat enough causing the metabolic resistance which is one of my reasons I have a weight problem. When I was in high school having Jody as a best friend was part of the beginning of my distorted image of myself and my size. Jody always weighed under 100 lbs. Boys always gravitated towards her over me. We both had strong personalities but I was just a tad quieter and was okay letting her take the spotlight in our friendship. We really had been inseparable since first grade. She came from a large family with older and younger brothers so now looking back I think she was just more comfortable around boys than me so she could easily get into conversations with them. I took it as they though she was prettier than me...not like I was totally insecure... but being a young women I think we all suffer from some insecurities like that especially at younger ages (middle school and highs school). So the one area I think I latched on to was because she was so tiny. I always felt fat around her. What is so funny is I only weighed 12-15 or so more lbs than her...I always weighed around 110-115...and I was probably 4 inches taller than her....crazy. That started my dieting always trying to get down to 103-107 became my obsession numbers...not sure why???
I kept up this insane behavior until I became pregnant with John Micheal and for the first time in my life wasn't on some form of starvation diet and ate a normal diet. In the process I destroyed my metabolism. So I didn't get fat from over eating I got fat from starving myself to the point when I ate normally my body horded the food for the next starvation and with the continual yo-yo dieting I continued the process getting fatter and fatter...like I said crazy. One of my biggest advise I give young girls is to never go on a diet. If they want to lose weight change what you are eating and exercise. Let me add I have always been a very active person...so for me....movement and exercise...I believe was my saving grace not to get even fatter than I was. 5 years ago I got into a car accident and hurt my back and knee to the point of being in severe pain and it has made it hard to get back and maintain the same level of activity that I was able to sustain. Because of it I gained an additional 50 lbs to the 100 I had already gained from my 4 pregnancies (70 from my first). I have probably gained and lost 100's (and I mean hundreds) of lbs over the last 26 years especially...but really over my entire lifetime. Lose 40...gain 50. Lose 70 gain 80. Lose 20 gain 30. Lose 50 gain 60. That has been my life for the last 26 years. I have either been gaining or losing.
When I am gaining I am not eating a pound of fudge or an entire cake...lol. I eat like most thin people. My husband, friends and children have seen and experienced what I have gone through and know my struggles in this area. I think what I hate the most about the world's perception of overweight people is that we are lazy, stupid and emotional over eaters...full of self pity and self loathing as we stuff our faces. I am none of those things. I am a intelligent happy vibrant person who loves life who just happens to wear her health issues on the outside.
So as I was painting the nursery and going to do makeup at the haunted house...I planned my juicing. I got airtight glass jars, made my 2 quarts of vegetable juice...drank my fruit juice in the morning before I left and packed my quarts in an ice chest and left for my day. Before going to the haunted house would prepare my 4th quart for the day and it has been working perfectly. Keeping my sugar levels even...no hunger and was able to keep energy levels high. I like that the juice feast I chose is 92 days so I can truly change my body and hopefully change the damage I have done to my metabolism. Not to mention all my other issues being corrected...like insulin and leptin resistance.
I no longer compare myself to others and have learned to see my real beauty in who I am. I at times even need to tone down my exuberance and confidence...because I think I can be almost too much sometime...lol. If my thighs are bigger than the woman next to me that's okay...what's not okay is my cancer was a hormone based cancer. Fat stores hormones. I need to remove the fat from my body so I do not get a returning cancer due to an imbalance of hormones. What's not okay is the foods in the SAD diet (Standard American Diet) causes inflammation in my body. Inflammation causes cancer and heart disease along with a multitude of other illnesses. What's not okay is all the enzymes and nutritional benefits are taken out of my food by overcooking and over processing our foods including dairy and all pasteurized foods. These things I can change by taking control of my body and making the right choices for my life and my health and that my friends... is okay !!!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Day???? 48 or 49????
Losing track of the days....Yesterday I took a walk for the first time in a long time...it was wonderful. There was a cool breeze that cooled me down every now an then. When ever I feel the breeze I always like to imagine it is the breath of God. I love to feel His presence in my everyday life and am always looking for the subtle ways He reveals His presence to me.
I call them my jewels...those sparkling, glittering gems He places in my life as a reminder that I am His. Just like diamonds and most gems they are hidden not in plain sight...rocks have to be broken open or earth to be mined to find these precious stones. So I find it to be our game that we play together to uncover the subtly's of life that are to me...from my King.
From about day 30 to now I have been searching for some answers from God. I just have not been getting the reasons why I just stopped losing weight. I have always in my yo-yo dieting of life gotten lengthy plateaus. This is where my head starts to take over and takes me to the obsessive side of my weight loss...getting on the scale several times a day...getting discouraged when I don't see it move. I have done this for 26 years. This is insanity for me...where I cross the line. Usually this is where I always fail in my previous attempts at weight loss.
When I started the journey it was for health reasons...but when the scale stopped my journey switched over to being only about weight loss. One of my supporters just told be that the weight loss was just one of the perks...thanks Jada. I needed to hear that. That was a jewel from God. A subtle reminder from Him why I am on the journey. So I re-geared my thinking to get back on the right track why I am on this journey.
So the last few days I have been addressing this issue but trying to get to the "core" of my wrong thinking. Today I get an email from one of the groups I subscribe to. It was talking about the "boxes" we put ourselves into with out realizing it due to our subconscious thinking. This is another journey I have been on for the last year to try and reprogram my subconscious mind. I believe that is where a lot of our brokenness comes from. I know this weight problem is stemmed from wrong thinking. We become what we think. I also believe in the power of the spoken word. We become what we speak. So we always have to be aware of our wrong thinking and letting it manifest into the spoken word. How many times have I put myself into the wrong "box' by thinking and saying I am fat...even to the point where I have medical reasons why I am over weight...insulin and metabolic resistance...My thoughts and words have brought them into existence...or at least has made it difficult to lose the weight.
This is another jewel from God. He is leading me to the core of my issues...I need to stop putting myself into this obsessive wrong thinking pattern I have developed over the years. It has created the box that has trapped me and kept me placed into this body. I need to stop leaning on my own understanding of the issues and to lean on His power to free. I need to stop trying to control this area of my life and once and for all put my total healing in His Mighty Hands. I put my cancer in His Hands because I knew it was out of my control...bigger than myself. So I must ask myself why am I still fighting this battle 26 years later? Obviously it is bigger than myself. What does it take for this girl to learn this lesson? Hopefully today I hand it over to Him forever. I will take this jewel and place it in a special box of it's own...a beautiful ornate box I will treasure...want to be able to open and gaze upon all the jewels He has given me over the years to make me into the women He wants me to be. Then I am outside the box...exactly where I want and need to be.
By the way...I have lost 30 lbs...:)...not really to bad wouldn't you say...plus I feel great..my energy is crazy...My skin looks fabulous...life is good !!!!!
I call them my jewels...those sparkling, glittering gems He places in my life as a reminder that I am His. Just like diamonds and most gems they are hidden not in plain sight...rocks have to be broken open or earth to be mined to find these precious stones. So I find it to be our game that we play together to uncover the subtly's of life that are to me...from my King.
From about day 30 to now I have been searching for some answers from God. I just have not been getting the reasons why I just stopped losing weight. I have always in my yo-yo dieting of life gotten lengthy plateaus. This is where my head starts to take over and takes me to the obsessive side of my weight loss...getting on the scale several times a day...getting discouraged when I don't see it move. I have done this for 26 years. This is insanity for me...where I cross the line. Usually this is where I always fail in my previous attempts at weight loss.
When I started the journey it was for health reasons...but when the scale stopped my journey switched over to being only about weight loss. One of my supporters just told be that the weight loss was just one of the perks...thanks Jada. I needed to hear that. That was a jewel from God. A subtle reminder from Him why I am on the journey. So I re-geared my thinking to get back on the right track why I am on this journey.
So the last few days I have been addressing this issue but trying to get to the "core" of my wrong thinking. Today I get an email from one of the groups I subscribe to. It was talking about the "boxes" we put ourselves into with out realizing it due to our subconscious thinking. This is another journey I have been on for the last year to try and reprogram my subconscious mind. I believe that is where a lot of our brokenness comes from. I know this weight problem is stemmed from wrong thinking. We become what we think. I also believe in the power of the spoken word. We become what we speak. So we always have to be aware of our wrong thinking and letting it manifest into the spoken word. How many times have I put myself into the wrong "box' by thinking and saying I am fat...even to the point where I have medical reasons why I am over weight...insulin and metabolic resistance...My thoughts and words have brought them into existence...or at least has made it difficult to lose the weight.
This is another jewel from God. He is leading me to the core of my issues...I need to stop putting myself into this obsessive wrong thinking pattern I have developed over the years. It has created the box that has trapped me and kept me placed into this body. I need to stop leaning on my own understanding of the issues and to lean on His power to free. I need to stop trying to control this area of my life and once and for all put my total healing in His Mighty Hands. I put my cancer in His Hands because I knew it was out of my control...bigger than myself. So I must ask myself why am I still fighting this battle 26 years later? Obviously it is bigger than myself. What does it take for this girl to learn this lesson? Hopefully today I hand it over to Him forever. I will take this jewel and place it in a special box of it's own...a beautiful ornate box I will treasure...want to be able to open and gaze upon all the jewels He has given me over the years to make me into the women He wants me to be. Then I am outside the box...exactly where I want and need to be.
By the way...I have lost 30 lbs...:)...not really to bad wouldn't you say...plus I feel great..my energy is crazy...My skin looks fabulous...life is good !!!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 44
H.A.L.T.
Never become...
On one of these "dieting" occasions I found myself at OA...Overeaters Anonymous....which is where I learned this phrase. At these meeting were several women who had lost over 100 lbs and had kept it off for like 20 years. They still faithfully went weekly to the OA meetings and kept telling their sad tales over and over and over and over. At first I found their stories inspirational and motivating. Needless to say several meetings later I found them to be whiners with no joy in their lives...really. They had no vibrancy in their lives...they seemed sad not victorious. Had they just passed their addiction to food on to the "meetings". So were they really fixed or were they still in their rut of self pity...I don't know. During that time I found myself in a situation where I went off my food plan because I was to tired and didn't plan properly so I ended up to hungry at a social gathering. I actually had a sponsor I had to call everyday and tell them exactly what I was going to eat. You should have seen the look of horror at the next OA meeting when I told them I had slipped...I think one woman even shuddered...another looked as if I had committed a mortal sin. I didn't kill anyone...I was at a social gathering and I ate...yes...I ate 4 cookies. One even went as far to tell me I had sinned against God. Ahhhh...yeah...I never went back...crazy ladies...lol. They were just normal sized cookies...not like I ate 4 super jumbo sized ones.
Reason for this story...yes I slipped off my juice feast. I have been slipping this whole week. The one bit of advise I did take away from the whole OA thing was the H.A.L.T. thing. So this past 10 days or so my life has been crazy busy. Everyday it seems I had something in my day that took me away from my normal routine. I found myself rushing to get here and there from place to place which makes it hard of course to juice. I found myself buying V-8 and process juices to suffice. An entire big bottle of V-8 is only 300 calories. I was going 8 hours or more with nothing but V-8 juice. I found myself to hungry and to tired. So when the temptation of half of a delicious looking turkey sandwich was offered to me I ate it...to hungry. Last night same thing after painting and some other errands...got home... exhausted from the entire last 10 days and starving since once again all I had consumed for several hours was my 300 calorie V8 Juice...the kids asked me if I would cook dinner. I did..one of their favorites and mine a baked Ziti dish I do with 3 cheeses and sweet Italian sausages. It is one of those dishes I have to taste to make sure all the right blend of seasonings is just right. Seemed like once I took a bite I couldn't stop...I kept going back for more bites. So once again...to hungry and to tired...
But on this occasion I have to add the other two...to angry and to lonely.
I am not sure if any of you have ever noticed but I don't talk about my husband that much. It is because I don't want to by like the whiny women at OA. First let me start off by saying I love my husband. He is very handsome...even to this day women will flirt with him right in front of me. It is always kind of funny because he really doesn't handle it very well he get flustered and very awkward. I always wonder what am I chopped liver...I am right here....some women??? They are always very attractive women with great bodies. What's with that...lol? My husband is a hard worker...an electrician...so he stays physically fit from his job. He works outside so he is very tan. He is tall...6'2" and thin. He has the best smile...with that whole bad boy kind of charm that women love. My business partner Jessica says John looks like a "Lifetime Movie-star" I think that is funny. He has aged well at 54 he has hardly any grey still has all his hair and is just now starting to get wrinkles....the kind that crinkles around his eyes when he smiles that bad boy smile. My husband is very funny and has a good sense of humor. Most of all my husband adores and loves me. When I was sick last year...he never left my side and took over the house, grocery shopping, the cooking and taking Joel too and from school and practice. He took me to every doctors appointment and to and from the hospital. It makes me tear up just writing about how awesome he was. He was absolutely amazing. Whats the problem you say...?
He is an alcoholic and depending if he is having a good week or a bad week sometimes dictates if I am having a good week or a bad week. Is he just drinking beer or has he switched to hard alcohol? He can get mean and crazy when he drinks hard alcohol. He is what they call a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work everyday. He earns his paycheck. He provides for his family. He works in the trades so he is old school in the belief..work hard...play hard.
If any of you have ever been around or lived with an alcoholic you know it is hardest on those who love and live with them. We live in the dysfunction of their disease. I tried Al-anon (is that how you spell it?)...again...seems like OA...a whole lot of whining going on...just didn't work for me. I choose to be happy and not wallow in self-pity. Not that all in those groups do but there are some and those seem to be the loudest and speak the most. It just "is what it is". The hardest part for me is the inability to change the situation. Most of the time I just go about my life and I try to not let it bother me. I am human and sometimes I fail. I am home alone often. Now the kids are older and have lives of their own I am not needed as much...I do find myself "at times" feeling lonely. Now let me say...I do love my alone time...so don't feel sorry for me. I think I would hate it if I didn't have that time for me. I have many things I use to fill my time with....things I love to do.
Last night I failed and I failed miserably. I was tired and just needed to collapse and let John take over....I needed him to be home to help with dinner. I knew I was weak and shouldn't be in the kitchen...so I got angry and I guess the loneliness of my situation kicked in. I can't ever depend on him to be there. He comes and goes as his disease leads him. He goes to the bars with his buddies...all alcoholics. I could go with him but no thank you. Nothing more boring than a bunch of electricians sitting around drinking. Anyways my bar drinking days are over and have been since I had children...Thank God...lol. I have for the most part in 26 years of marriage spent a lot of nights alone. Taking care of the kids and our home so they would have a chance at a normal life has always been my main focus. I gave up my career in advertising so I could be a stay at home mom (best job I have ever had). I have never regretted that for one moment. My job as the art director for one of the nations largest advertising firms sometimes required a 70 hours work week. I had deadlines to meet...meeting to attend...sending printing out to printers all over the country. I knew if I continued in my career my children would lose out on the only chance they had to not grow up dysfunctional themselves. I needed to be there at all times... to pick them up from school...bake cookies....help them with home work... get them to soccer practice....dinner on the table at 6:00...that sort of thing. I needed to be that stable base in their lives because I knew John never would or could be.
When I met John we both were the life of the party. We were a striking couple...on the outside it Iooked as if we had the world in our hands. I think we believed we did. 7 months into our marriage I became pregnant with John Micheal and I changed. I stopped the partying...John never did. In fact he got worse and that is when he got lost to crystal meth for 14 years...that really was the hardest time in my life and it happened very quickly. We had always played around with cocaine both of us and it was part of our world. It was very much a part of 80's and everywhere. Even the CEO of my company used to have cocaine lunches every day. I guess I was considered a recreational drug user. I never really realized John's issues were much so much deeper. I was in over my head and had no idea what I was in for...a whole different story...one I probably won't tell.
I don't believe in divorce because of my strong faith in God and I believe the Bible is the Divine Word of God. God hates divorce and for me...marriage is a covenant promise I made before God...unbreakable. When I spoke the words...for better or for worse in sickness and in health I meant it. For me there are no options. I also believe we live in a throw away society. When the going gets rough...walk away or throw it away. I can't do that. John is sick...he has a disease. It doesn't make him less of a person...less worthy of love. It just makes it harder for me at times to love him. I hate the term unconditional love. Love does have conditions and or boundaries and I have established those with him and in our lives so I can remain sane in the insanity of his disease. So enough said...no more whining...life is still very good. God has given me the capacity to enjoy my life and to see the beauty in my marriage.
The whole spiritual side of the journey being on the 92 Day Juice Feast has taken me down paths I have needed to revisit...some joyous....some painful or more difficult like today's. The journey has taken back to these places...for insight so I can see where I still need some work...then not only physical healing can take place but a spiritual healing also. God is so good.
I see now that I can't allow myself to not follow the H.A.L.T. rules. I need to slow down keep my focus on the healing. I need to allow the time into my day to juice properly and to get the nutrients and calories needed to sustain this journey. I can not and will not allow myself to fail and to fall back into old habits. More importantly when I start falling into bad habits or old reactions like the last few days...I need to re-address issues...face them head on and try to figure them out I can keep them in the past and keep them from repeating themselves.
Never become...
- To Hungry
- To Angry
- To Lonely
- To Tired
On one of these "dieting" occasions I found myself at OA...Overeaters Anonymous....which is where I learned this phrase. At these meeting were several women who had lost over 100 lbs and had kept it off for like 20 years. They still faithfully went weekly to the OA meetings and kept telling their sad tales over and over and over and over. At first I found their stories inspirational and motivating. Needless to say several meetings later I found them to be whiners with no joy in their lives...really. They had no vibrancy in their lives...they seemed sad not victorious. Had they just passed their addiction to food on to the "meetings". So were they really fixed or were they still in their rut of self pity...I don't know. During that time I found myself in a situation where I went off my food plan because I was to tired and didn't plan properly so I ended up to hungry at a social gathering. I actually had a sponsor I had to call everyday and tell them exactly what I was going to eat. You should have seen the look of horror at the next OA meeting when I told them I had slipped...I think one woman even shuddered...another looked as if I had committed a mortal sin. I didn't kill anyone...I was at a social gathering and I ate...yes...I ate 4 cookies. One even went as far to tell me I had sinned against God. Ahhhh...yeah...I never went back...crazy ladies...lol. They were just normal sized cookies...not like I ate 4 super jumbo sized ones.
Reason for this story...yes I slipped off my juice feast. I have been slipping this whole week. The one bit of advise I did take away from the whole OA thing was the H.A.L.T. thing. So this past 10 days or so my life has been crazy busy. Everyday it seems I had something in my day that took me away from my normal routine. I found myself rushing to get here and there from place to place which makes it hard of course to juice. I found myself buying V-8 and process juices to suffice. An entire big bottle of V-8 is only 300 calories. I was going 8 hours or more with nothing but V-8 juice. I found myself to hungry and to tired. So when the temptation of half of a delicious looking turkey sandwich was offered to me I ate it...to hungry. Last night same thing after painting and some other errands...got home... exhausted from the entire last 10 days and starving since once again all I had consumed for several hours was my 300 calorie V8 Juice...the kids asked me if I would cook dinner. I did..one of their favorites and mine a baked Ziti dish I do with 3 cheeses and sweet Italian sausages. It is one of those dishes I have to taste to make sure all the right blend of seasonings is just right. Seemed like once I took a bite I couldn't stop...I kept going back for more bites. So once again...to hungry and to tired...
But on this occasion I have to add the other two...to angry and to lonely.
I am not sure if any of you have ever noticed but I don't talk about my husband that much. It is because I don't want to by like the whiny women at OA. First let me start off by saying I love my husband. He is very handsome...even to this day women will flirt with him right in front of me. It is always kind of funny because he really doesn't handle it very well he get flustered and very awkward. I always wonder what am I chopped liver...I am right here....some women??? They are always very attractive women with great bodies. What's with that...lol? My husband is a hard worker...an electrician...so he stays physically fit from his job. He works outside so he is very tan. He is tall...6'2" and thin. He has the best smile...with that whole bad boy kind of charm that women love. My business partner Jessica says John looks like a "Lifetime Movie-star" I think that is funny. He has aged well at 54 he has hardly any grey still has all his hair and is just now starting to get wrinkles....the kind that crinkles around his eyes when he smiles that bad boy smile. My husband is very funny and has a good sense of humor. Most of all my husband adores and loves me. When I was sick last year...he never left my side and took over the house, grocery shopping, the cooking and taking Joel too and from school and practice. He took me to every doctors appointment and to and from the hospital. It makes me tear up just writing about how awesome he was. He was absolutely amazing. Whats the problem you say...?
He is an alcoholic and depending if he is having a good week or a bad week sometimes dictates if I am having a good week or a bad week. Is he just drinking beer or has he switched to hard alcohol? He can get mean and crazy when he drinks hard alcohol. He is what they call a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work everyday. He earns his paycheck. He provides for his family. He works in the trades so he is old school in the belief..work hard...play hard.
If any of you have ever been around or lived with an alcoholic you know it is hardest on those who love and live with them. We live in the dysfunction of their disease. I tried Al-anon (is that how you spell it?)...again...seems like OA...a whole lot of whining going on...just didn't work for me. I choose to be happy and not wallow in self-pity. Not that all in those groups do but there are some and those seem to be the loudest and speak the most. It just "is what it is". The hardest part for me is the inability to change the situation. Most of the time I just go about my life and I try to not let it bother me. I am human and sometimes I fail. I am home alone often. Now the kids are older and have lives of their own I am not needed as much...I do find myself "at times" feeling lonely. Now let me say...I do love my alone time...so don't feel sorry for me. I think I would hate it if I didn't have that time for me. I have many things I use to fill my time with....things I love to do.
Last night I failed and I failed miserably. I was tired and just needed to collapse and let John take over....I needed him to be home to help with dinner. I knew I was weak and shouldn't be in the kitchen...so I got angry and I guess the loneliness of my situation kicked in. I can't ever depend on him to be there. He comes and goes as his disease leads him. He goes to the bars with his buddies...all alcoholics. I could go with him but no thank you. Nothing more boring than a bunch of electricians sitting around drinking. Anyways my bar drinking days are over and have been since I had children...Thank God...lol. I have for the most part in 26 years of marriage spent a lot of nights alone. Taking care of the kids and our home so they would have a chance at a normal life has always been my main focus. I gave up my career in advertising so I could be a stay at home mom (best job I have ever had). I have never regretted that for one moment. My job as the art director for one of the nations largest advertising firms sometimes required a 70 hours work week. I had deadlines to meet...meeting to attend...sending printing out to printers all over the country. I knew if I continued in my career my children would lose out on the only chance they had to not grow up dysfunctional themselves. I needed to be there at all times... to pick them up from school...bake cookies....help them with home work... get them to soccer practice....dinner on the table at 6:00...that sort of thing. I needed to be that stable base in their lives because I knew John never would or could be.
When I met John we both were the life of the party. We were a striking couple...on the outside it Iooked as if we had the world in our hands. I think we believed we did. 7 months into our marriage I became pregnant with John Micheal and I changed. I stopped the partying...John never did. In fact he got worse and that is when he got lost to crystal meth for 14 years...that really was the hardest time in my life and it happened very quickly. We had always played around with cocaine both of us and it was part of our world. It was very much a part of 80's and everywhere. Even the CEO of my company used to have cocaine lunches every day. I guess I was considered a recreational drug user. I never really realized John's issues were much so much deeper. I was in over my head and had no idea what I was in for...a whole different story...one I probably won't tell.
I don't believe in divorce because of my strong faith in God and I believe the Bible is the Divine Word of God. God hates divorce and for me...marriage is a covenant promise I made before God...unbreakable. When I spoke the words...for better or for worse in sickness and in health I meant it. For me there are no options. I also believe we live in a throw away society. When the going gets rough...walk away or throw it away. I can't do that. John is sick...he has a disease. It doesn't make him less of a person...less worthy of love. It just makes it harder for me at times to love him. I hate the term unconditional love. Love does have conditions and or boundaries and I have established those with him and in our lives so I can remain sane in the insanity of his disease. So enough said...no more whining...life is still very good. God has given me the capacity to enjoy my life and to see the beauty in my marriage.
The whole spiritual side of the journey being on the 92 Day Juice Feast has taken me down paths I have needed to revisit...some joyous....some painful or more difficult like today's. The journey has taken back to these places...for insight so I can see where I still need some work...then not only physical healing can take place but a spiritual healing also. God is so good.
I see now that I can't allow myself to not follow the H.A.L.T. rules. I need to slow down keep my focus on the healing. I need to allow the time into my day to juice properly and to get the nutrients and calories needed to sustain this journey. I can not and will not allow myself to fail and to fall back into old habits. More importantly when I start falling into bad habits or old reactions like the last few days...I need to re-address issues...face them head on and try to figure them out I can keep them in the past and keep them from repeating themselves.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Day 36
Hello everyone out there in foodland...day 36 of me here in juiceland. I feel that way right now...there is everyone else and then there is me. I am out here all alone stranded on my island. Not in a...poor me and I want to be in your land and off my island kinda way....I just would enjoy the company of someone else experiencing the same thing I am so we could discuss our similarities or differences in our experience.
I did go searching for a helping hand and I found one...on fb. I found a page called...Living and Raw Food Village. I asked her a few questions and she gave me some great advice. My extreme cravings for cooked food were because I wasn't getting something my body needed. She suggested that I mix up at least 5 greens to make sure all my nutritional green needs were being met and it seemed to have worked...cravings gone...whew...that was tough. She also suggested I try ABC Juice with lemon. I did and I absolutely love it...new fav.
ABC Juice
1 small beetroot (beet)
I also have developed a liking for the greens...I no longer feel as if I am drinking "grass"...I am starting to enjoy the different flavors. I feel great...my moods are in good spirits. Life on my island is very good....and 28 pound lighter...
So as I am a castaway on my little island of juiceland...I will think of Tom Hanks and remember how thin he got...maybe add a little more coconut juice to my diet and be grateful that I don't have to pull out my own tooth with an ice skate.
I did go searching for a helping hand and I found one...on fb. I found a page called...Living and Raw Food Village. I asked her a few questions and she gave me some great advice. My extreme cravings for cooked food were because I wasn't getting something my body needed. She suggested that I mix up at least 5 greens to make sure all my nutritional green needs were being met and it seemed to have worked...cravings gone...whew...that was tough. She also suggested I try ABC Juice with lemon. I did and I absolutely love it...new fav.
ABC Juice
1 small beetroot (beet)
2 medium Carrots
I large apple
I large apple
Add 1 lemon if you want... Put through Juicer...not blender and that's it...as easy as ABC !!! Drink immediately and enjoy.
Beet Juice benefits...
- Lowers the blood pressure.
- Relaxes the mind (due to the substance betaine) and is used to treat depression. It also contains tryptophan which contributes to a sense of well being.
- Contains aphrodisiac properties according to the Romans. The juice is a rich source of boron which plays an important role in the production of sex hormones. I am not using it for this reason...lol.
- Beet juice is best known as a blood purifier and blood builder that helps in the creation of red blood.
- Dr. Ferenczi of Hungary had his cancer patients drink a quart of beet juice each day, which was effectively breaking down and eliminating tumors. Beets have been found to increase the body`s production of glutathione, which helps the body detoxify cancer-causing poisons...my favorite reason...yay !!!!
I also have developed a liking for the greens...I no longer feel as if I am drinking "grass"...I am starting to enjoy the different flavors. I feel great...my moods are in good spirits. Life on my island is very good....and 28 pound lighter...
So as I am a castaway on my little island of juiceland...I will think of Tom Hanks and remember how thin he got...maybe add a little more coconut juice to my diet and be grateful that I don't have to pull out my own tooth with an ice skate.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day 32
Whoo Hoo !!!! 32 days finally....made it past a month. I do feel a new resolve. I have to say the last 9-10 days have been a struggle. I have been doing some soul searching to figure out why. I think I have a few answers but without any forum to discuss this with anyone else I just have come up with a few ideas...some reflection... of my own.
Proverbs 27 talks about the honing of the sword. A blacksmith when making a sword sits in front of the the fire with the sword placed in the flames and he hammers the silver in the flames until it is perfect. The blacksmith knows the sword is perfected when he can see his reflection in the the silver. That is the honing of a sword. I heard it taught once...that is what God does with us...as we endure hardships and storms. He lets us go into the fire and when He can see his reflection in us is when we are finally removed from the flames. I always find it such a beautiful way to look at hardships and trials...that is when He is perfecting me. So maybe these struggles are so....that for once and for all...I can be free from the bondage's and toll that the weight and all that comes with it has placed on my physical body.
For the first 14 years after gaining the weight...I hated to look at myself in a mirror. All I could see was the fat and all my imperfections. I blamed myself for what had happened to my body and not being strong enough to defeat this battle. One day discouraged I looked in the mirror trying to find my beauty and couldn't find any....even though my common sense told me differently...all I believed was the reflection in the mirror that my eyes and heart saw. I asked God if I could please see myself through His eyes and not my own. It wasn't over night and I am not sure how long it took but I slowly started to see myself differently. I started to see my beauty and the gifts I had to offer the world. I now love my reflection....God's reflection of His creation.
Now reflecting on the past month...I have to give myself credit...I have made it 32 days and I have lost 25 lbs...I always feel this need to keep placing pressure on myself to do better and when I am not meeting my expectations I start getting frustrated....Hey maybe that's the lesson...to chill, relax and enjoy the ride and every now and then take a look in the rear view mirror...enjoy my reflection and the dust I am leaving behind .
- All battles are first fought in the mind. Maybe God is making me go through the fire and the storm to finally be free from the pull of the food.
- The new has worn off from doing the feast and now it is facing the hard dusty road ahead.
- That my body is breaking and hammering out it's addiction to the process of eating and of food in general.There are over 10,00 additives approved by the FDA to be placed in our foods and labeled "Natural Flavor, Spices and or Ingredients" many that are addictive substances. There is additives like monosodium glutamate, sugar, modified corn starch...the list goes on....all addictive so maybe my body is breaking those addictions also.
Proverbs 27 talks about the honing of the sword. A blacksmith when making a sword sits in front of the the fire with the sword placed in the flames and he hammers the silver in the flames until it is perfect. The blacksmith knows the sword is perfected when he can see his reflection in the the silver. That is the honing of a sword. I heard it taught once...that is what God does with us...as we endure hardships and storms. He lets us go into the fire and when He can see his reflection in us is when we are finally removed from the flames. I always find it such a beautiful way to look at hardships and trials...that is when He is perfecting me. So maybe these struggles are so....that for once and for all...I can be free from the bondage's and toll that the weight and all that comes with it has placed on my physical body.
For the first 14 years after gaining the weight...I hated to look at myself in a mirror. All I could see was the fat and all my imperfections. I blamed myself for what had happened to my body and not being strong enough to defeat this battle. One day discouraged I looked in the mirror trying to find my beauty and couldn't find any....even though my common sense told me differently...all I believed was the reflection in the mirror that my eyes and heart saw. I asked God if I could please see myself through His eyes and not my own. It wasn't over night and I am not sure how long it took but I slowly started to see myself differently. I started to see my beauty and the gifts I had to offer the world. I now love my reflection....God's reflection of His creation.
Now reflecting on the past month...I have to give myself credit...I have made it 32 days and I have lost 25 lbs...I always feel this need to keep placing pressure on myself to do better and when I am not meeting my expectations I start getting frustrated....Hey maybe that's the lesson...to chill, relax and enjoy the ride and every now and then take a look in the rear view mirror...enjoy my reflection and the dust I am leaving behind .
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Day 27
Good Morning. Woke up at 4:00 am feeling bright and alert. Call me crazy.... but I get up every morning with my husband and get him off to work. I make him coffee and then get his lunch ready for the day. Started doing it as a newly wed 26 years ago and have never stopped except when I was sick and he wouldn't let me. He has his moments...lol. I actually have learned to absolutely love the early mornings and have found that peace and solitude my spirit craves before I have to start getting kids up and off to school. That I have been doing for 21 years and still have 3 more years of that to go with Joel.
My children are 10 years apart from the oldest to the youngest. Raechel (now 21) was born 4 years after John Micheal (now 25) and my baby Joel (now 15) was born 6 years later. I did lose baby James in my 7th month of pregnancy who would be 17 now if he lived. Wow....when I see all those numbers it makes me realize how fast time flies. Seems like it was just yesterday that they were babies.
It is funny when I was younger (in my early 20's) I had made up my mind to never get married and have kids...lol. Sounds so funny now. I was determined to be a famous fashion designer and I knew (or thought I did) that to do that the whole "family" thing would stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Which was true to an extent. Once I met my husband all of a sudden getting married and "settling down" didn't seem so bad. I thank God everyday for the gifts I was blessed with. Life is so much richer than I ever imagined because of my 3 children that were placed in my life and forever in my heart.
The idea of not being to live out my life to the fullness of my years I think is one of the biggest fears in my life. Not because I am afraid to die but because it would shorten my days with them. I want to see them grow in their lives and the realization of who they are. See their dreams being fulfilled and being there to support then through their life's storms, trials and tribulations. To see their smiles of joy when they succeed. To watch them walk down the isle and gaze at wonderment as they see their babies for the first time. One of my life's realizations is that...that is what makes life wonderful and rich. Not to be rich and famous but to enjoy the everyday that life brings.
Everyday means so much more to me now. It always did though. I am one of those idealistic persons who sees life through rose colored glasses. I choose to see the beauty in the world and not to focus on the ugly. Ugly hits you in the face enough in life so when it hits I deal with it but then as soon as possible turn back to beauty. Maybe that is why I love making people feel pretty and I love to paint pictures of pretty things. One of my gifts is exhortation. I love lifting people up to see the beauty in them and all the possibilities life can bring to them. I think at times I can be very annoying to people who want to stay in victim mode and wallow in self pity...lol. I have had to learn and I learned the hard way that people can be very stubborn and want to stay in those dark places. There at times I have had to remove such people from my life. People like that will try to suck all the energy from you and turn around and blame you for their choices. I don't have time for people who will not see the possibilities.
Having cancer I thought was going to be just a scary terrible place to be and it was not going to deny that....It is hard having to face the possibility that life could be heading towards it's finale. Oddly enough there was something actually beautiful in the entire journey. I know that sounds weird but it was not as scary as I thought and during it I was faced to look at my life. It made me re-evaluate a lot of my life's choices and non choices. My non choices were letting some of my dreams wither away and living totally for everyone else around me and sacrificing me in the process. I now have my bucket list and am finding ways to still be a great wife and mom but to fulfill my dreams. The dreams that fulfill my spirit.
I have always had a close relationship with God. I have always felt Him close by my side. Even as a child I knew He was there. Alive and very real in my life. I left Him for a while during my youth...always believing but just a little to busy to be bothered. He is such a gentleman...He knew I would return and he patiently waited for my return. He has been by my side through every storm. When I heard my mom had lung cancer I felt like I couldn't breath. He helped me to breath. While driving one day I started sobbing hysterically after visiting her. I couldn't even drive...I had to pull to the side of the road. I was calling out to Him...crying out "NOT this God...NOT this...How can you expect me to go through this?" Through my hysteria...I heard this strong gentle voice say to me "Yes you can because I am with you." I knew at that moment she was not going to make it but I felt this peace overcome me a peace that only He could give me. At that time He was not only was beside me...He carried me. He carried me when I lost my dad...when I lost baby James....through a 14 year drug addiction with my husband...during the deaths of my grandparents...and he carried me through my cancer. I can not even imagine experiencing those times with out him by my side to keep reminding me to just breathe.
So as I enter day 27 of Juice Feasting....still plateauing...feeling a bit frustrated and the strong desire to eat I guess I have the strength to continue...cause really in the whole scheme of things life is still pretty darn wonderful cause I still am breathing.
My children are 10 years apart from the oldest to the youngest. Raechel (now 21) was born 4 years after John Micheal (now 25) and my baby Joel (now 15) was born 6 years later. I did lose baby James in my 7th month of pregnancy who would be 17 now if he lived. Wow....when I see all those numbers it makes me realize how fast time flies. Seems like it was just yesterday that they were babies.
It is funny when I was younger (in my early 20's) I had made up my mind to never get married and have kids...lol. Sounds so funny now. I was determined to be a famous fashion designer and I knew (or thought I did) that to do that the whole "family" thing would stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Which was true to an extent. Once I met my husband all of a sudden getting married and "settling down" didn't seem so bad. I thank God everyday for the gifts I was blessed with. Life is so much richer than I ever imagined because of my 3 children that were placed in my life and forever in my heart.
The idea of not being to live out my life to the fullness of my years I think is one of the biggest fears in my life. Not because I am afraid to die but because it would shorten my days with them. I want to see them grow in their lives and the realization of who they are. See their dreams being fulfilled and being there to support then through their life's storms, trials and tribulations. To see their smiles of joy when they succeed. To watch them walk down the isle and gaze at wonderment as they see their babies for the first time. One of my life's realizations is that...that is what makes life wonderful and rich. Not to be rich and famous but to enjoy the everyday that life brings.
Everyday means so much more to me now. It always did though. I am one of those idealistic persons who sees life through rose colored glasses. I choose to see the beauty in the world and not to focus on the ugly. Ugly hits you in the face enough in life so when it hits I deal with it but then as soon as possible turn back to beauty. Maybe that is why I love making people feel pretty and I love to paint pictures of pretty things. One of my gifts is exhortation. I love lifting people up to see the beauty in them and all the possibilities life can bring to them. I think at times I can be very annoying to people who want to stay in victim mode and wallow in self pity...lol. I have had to learn and I learned the hard way that people can be very stubborn and want to stay in those dark places. There at times I have had to remove such people from my life. People like that will try to suck all the energy from you and turn around and blame you for their choices. I don't have time for people who will not see the possibilities.
Having cancer I thought was going to be just a scary terrible place to be and it was not going to deny that....It is hard having to face the possibility that life could be heading towards it's finale. Oddly enough there was something actually beautiful in the entire journey. I know that sounds weird but it was not as scary as I thought and during it I was faced to look at my life. It made me re-evaluate a lot of my life's choices and non choices. My non choices were letting some of my dreams wither away and living totally for everyone else around me and sacrificing me in the process. I now have my bucket list and am finding ways to still be a great wife and mom but to fulfill my dreams. The dreams that fulfill my spirit.
I have always had a close relationship with God. I have always felt Him close by my side. Even as a child I knew He was there. Alive and very real in my life. I left Him for a while during my youth...always believing but just a little to busy to be bothered. He is such a gentleman...He knew I would return and he patiently waited for my return. He has been by my side through every storm. When I heard my mom had lung cancer I felt like I couldn't breath. He helped me to breath. While driving one day I started sobbing hysterically after visiting her. I couldn't even drive...I had to pull to the side of the road. I was calling out to Him...crying out "NOT this God...NOT this...How can you expect me to go through this?" Through my hysteria...I heard this strong gentle voice say to me "Yes you can because I am with you." I knew at that moment she was not going to make it but I felt this peace overcome me a peace that only He could give me. At that time He was not only was beside me...He carried me. He carried me when I lost my dad...when I lost baby James....through a 14 year drug addiction with my husband...during the deaths of my grandparents...and he carried me through my cancer. I can not even imagine experiencing those times with out him by my side to keep reminding me to just breathe.
So as I enter day 27 of Juice Feasting....still plateauing...feeling a bit frustrated and the strong desire to eat I guess I have the strength to continue...cause really in the whole scheme of things life is still pretty darn wonderful cause I still am breathing.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Day 24
I was not surprised...yesterday the whole day I wanted to eat. I know why...it was my own fault for not planning sufficiently. I had a long day filming for the sci-fi "Orn". I didn't have time to juice in the morning due to we had been filming until late in the evening the day before...so I only had a few hours of sleep before I had to get up and be on set yesterday. I did grab some spicy V-8 to drink for the day which wasn't enough because filming ran longer than anticipated. I managed to drink some cranberry juice between location changes...but I just didn't get any fresh juice in me until I got home. So all in all I didn't get enough calories for the day. Results...hunger.
I made it through yesterday but it was really tough. I went to bed early last night and hopefully a good nights rest and proper juicing today will be easier. Second frustration...I am not losing weight. I am already at a plateau. I was hoping I wouldn't experience this with this program but I am. My body does this to me every time. Usually around a 17 lb weight lose I just stop losing. At least I made it to 22 lbs. So I need to up my exercise to get past this.
Problem is leaving the second location yesterday I was coming down the stairs carrying all my gear (I have quite a bit and it is heavy) and my bad knee did its buckle thing. I did manage not to fall down the stairs but my knee is extremely sore and I need a few days to let it heal so no walking, rebounding or bike riding for me. I think I will try swimming some laps and see if that hurts. I am lucky to have a pool in my backyard but because of having cancer I am now afraid of chlorine...well it and all chemicals. So which is the lesser of the evils...no exercises and keep plateauing or getting in the pool knowing my skin is absorbing the chlorine???? Choices???
It is times like this in the past when I would fall off track just due to frustration of trying and trying and always hitting walls to keep me from succeeding but this time no matter how hard the hurdle I will not be waived. Maybe this is the universe trying to see how serious I am...in the Christian world we call it spiritual warfare so this is when I need to turn to my powerful and mighty God and ask Him to step in and give me the strength, wisdom and knowledge to keep moving forward. I figure I must be doing something right because I am getting resistance.
I guess I was hoping for everyday to be as easy as it has but that's just not practical when attempting such a radical change in my life. I am still "over the moon" about the results and will not be moved from my path.
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