Never become...
- To Hungry
- To Angry
- To Lonely
- To Tired
On one of these "dieting" occasions I found myself at OA...Overeaters Anonymous....which is where I learned this phrase. At these meeting were several women who had lost over 100 lbs and had kept it off for like 20 years. They still faithfully went weekly to the OA meetings and kept telling their sad tales over and over and over and over. At first I found their stories inspirational and motivating. Needless to say several meetings later I found them to be whiners with no joy in their lives...really. They had no vibrancy in their lives...they seemed sad not victorious. Had they just passed their addiction to food on to the "meetings". So were they really fixed or were they still in their rut of self pity...I don't know. During that time I found myself in a situation where I went off my food plan because I was to tired and didn't plan properly so I ended up to hungry at a social gathering. I actually had a sponsor I had to call everyday and tell them exactly what I was going to eat. You should have seen the look of horror at the next OA meeting when I told them I had slipped...I think one woman even shuddered...another looked as if I had committed a mortal sin. I didn't kill anyone...I was at a social gathering and I ate...yes...I ate 4 cookies. One even went as far to tell me I had sinned against God. Ahhhh...yeah...I never went back...crazy ladies...lol. They were just normal sized cookies...not like I ate 4 super jumbo sized ones.
Reason for this story...yes I slipped off my juice feast. I have been slipping this whole week. The one bit of advise I did take away from the whole OA thing was the H.A.L.T. thing. So this past 10 days or so my life has been crazy busy. Everyday it seems I had something in my day that took me away from my normal routine. I found myself rushing to get here and there from place to place which makes it hard of course to juice. I found myself buying V-8 and process juices to suffice. An entire big bottle of V-8 is only 300 calories. I was going 8 hours or more with nothing but V-8 juice. I found myself to hungry and to tired. So when the temptation of half of a delicious looking turkey sandwich was offered to me I ate it...to hungry. Last night same thing after painting and some other errands...got home... exhausted from the entire last 10 days and starving since once again all I had consumed for several hours was my 300 calorie V8 Juice...the kids asked me if I would cook dinner. I did..one of their favorites and mine a baked Ziti dish I do with 3 cheeses and sweet Italian sausages. It is one of those dishes I have to taste to make sure all the right blend of seasonings is just right. Seemed like once I took a bite I couldn't stop...I kept going back for more bites. So once again...to hungry and to tired...
But on this occasion I have to add the other two...to angry and to lonely.
I am not sure if any of you have ever noticed but I don't talk about my husband that much. It is because I don't want to by like the whiny women at OA. First let me start off by saying I love my husband. He is very handsome...even to this day women will flirt with him right in front of me. It is always kind of funny because he really doesn't handle it very well he get flustered and very awkward. I always wonder what am I chopped liver...I am right here....some women??? They are always very attractive women with great bodies. What's with that...lol? My husband is a hard worker...an electrician...so he stays physically fit from his job. He works outside so he is very tan. He is tall...6'2" and thin. He has the best smile...with that whole bad boy kind of charm that women love. My business partner Jessica says John looks like a "Lifetime Movie-star" I think that is funny. He has aged well at 54 he has hardly any grey still has all his hair and is just now starting to get wrinkles....the kind that crinkles around his eyes when he smiles that bad boy smile. My husband is very funny and has a good sense of humor. Most of all my husband adores and loves me. When I was sick last year...he never left my side and took over the house, grocery shopping, the cooking and taking Joel too and from school and practice. He took me to every doctors appointment and to and from the hospital. It makes me tear up just writing about how awesome he was. He was absolutely amazing. Whats the problem you say...?
He is an alcoholic and depending if he is having a good week or a bad week sometimes dictates if I am having a good week or a bad week. Is he just drinking beer or has he switched to hard alcohol? He can get mean and crazy when he drinks hard alcohol. He is what they call a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work everyday. He earns his paycheck. He provides for his family. He works in the trades so he is old school in the belief..work hard...play hard.
If any of you have ever been around or lived with an alcoholic you know it is hardest on those who love and live with them. We live in the dysfunction of their disease. I tried Al-anon (is that how you spell it?)...again...seems like OA...a whole lot of whining going on...just didn't work for me. I choose to be happy and not wallow in self-pity. Not that all in those groups do but there are some and those seem to be the loudest and speak the most. It just "is what it is". The hardest part for me is the inability to change the situation. Most of the time I just go about my life and I try to not let it bother me. I am human and sometimes I fail. I am home alone often. Now the kids are older and have lives of their own I am not needed as much...I do find myself "at times" feeling lonely. Now let me say...I do love my alone time...so don't feel sorry for me. I think I would hate it if I didn't have that time for me. I have many things I use to fill my time with....things I love to do.
Last night I failed and I failed miserably. I was tired and just needed to collapse and let John take over....I needed him to be home to help with dinner. I knew I was weak and shouldn't be in the kitchen...so I got angry and I guess the loneliness of my situation kicked in. I can't ever depend on him to be there. He comes and goes as his disease leads him. He goes to the bars with his buddies...all alcoholics. I could go with him but no thank you. Nothing more boring than a bunch of electricians sitting around drinking. Anyways my bar drinking days are over and have been since I had children...Thank God...lol. I have for the most part in 26 years of marriage spent a lot of nights alone. Taking care of the kids and our home so they would have a chance at a normal life has always been my main focus. I gave up my career in advertising so I could be a stay at home mom (best job I have ever had). I have never regretted that for one moment. My job as the art director for one of the nations largest advertising firms sometimes required a 70 hours work week. I had deadlines to meet...meeting to attend...sending printing out to printers all over the country. I knew if I continued in my career my children would lose out on the only chance they had to not grow up dysfunctional themselves. I needed to be there at all times... to pick them up from school...bake cookies....help them with home work... get them to soccer practice....dinner on the table at 6:00...that sort of thing. I needed to be that stable base in their lives because I knew John never would or could be.
When I met John we both were the life of the party. We were a striking couple...on the outside it Iooked as if we had the world in our hands. I think we believed we did. 7 months into our marriage I became pregnant with John Micheal and I changed. I stopped the partying...John never did. In fact he got worse and that is when he got lost to crystal meth for 14 years...that really was the hardest time in my life and it happened very quickly. We had always played around with cocaine both of us and it was part of our world. It was very much a part of 80's and everywhere. Even the CEO of my company used to have cocaine lunches every day. I guess I was considered a recreational drug user. I never really realized John's issues were much so much deeper. I was in over my head and had no idea what I was in for...a whole different story...one I probably won't tell.
I don't believe in divorce because of my strong faith in God and I believe the Bible is the Divine Word of God. God hates divorce and for me...marriage is a covenant promise I made before God...unbreakable. When I spoke the words...for better or for worse in sickness and in health I meant it. For me there are no options. I also believe we live in a throw away society. When the going gets rough...walk away or throw it away. I can't do that. John is sick...he has a disease. It doesn't make him less of a person...less worthy of love. It just makes it harder for me at times to love him. I hate the term unconditional love. Love does have conditions and or boundaries and I have established those with him and in our lives so I can remain sane in the insanity of his disease. So enough said...no more whining...life is still very good. God has given me the capacity to enjoy my life and to see the beauty in my marriage.
The whole spiritual side of the journey being on the 92 Day Juice Feast has taken me down paths I have needed to revisit...some joyous....some painful or more difficult like today's. The journey has taken back to these places...for insight so I can see where I still need some work...then not only physical healing can take place but a spiritual healing also. God is so good.
I see now that I can't allow myself to not follow the H.A.L.T. rules. I need to slow down keep my focus on the healing. I need to allow the time into my day to juice properly and to get the nutrients and calories needed to sustain this journey. I can not and will not allow myself to fail and to fall back into old habits. More importantly when I start falling into bad habits or old reactions like the last few days...I need to re-address issues...face them head on and try to figure them out I can keep them in the past and keep them from repeating themselves.
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