Good Morning. Woke up at 4:00 am feeling bright and alert. Call me crazy.... but I get up every morning with my husband and get him off to work. I make him coffee and then get his lunch ready for the day. Started doing it as a newly wed 26 years ago and have never stopped except when I was sick and he wouldn't let me. He has his moments...lol. I actually have learned to absolutely love the early mornings and have found that peace and solitude my spirit craves before I have to start getting kids up and off to school. That I have been doing for 21 years and still have 3 more years of that to go with Joel.
My children are 10 years apart from the oldest to the youngest. Raechel (now 21) was born 4 years after John Micheal (now 25) and my baby Joel (now 15) was born 6 years later. I did lose baby James in my 7th month of pregnancy who would be 17 now if he lived. Wow....when I see all those numbers it makes me realize how fast time flies. Seems like it was just yesterday that they were babies.
It is funny when I was younger (in my early 20's) I had made up my mind to never get married and have kids...lol. Sounds so funny now. I was determined to be a famous fashion designer and I knew (or thought I did) that to do that the whole "family" thing would stop me from doing what I wanted to do. Which was true to an extent. Once I met my husband all of a sudden getting married and "settling down" didn't seem so bad. I thank God everyday for the gifts I was blessed with. Life is so much richer than I ever imagined because of my 3 children that were placed in my life and forever in my heart.
The idea of not being to live out my life to the fullness of my years I think is one of the biggest fears in my life. Not because I am afraid to die but because it would shorten my days with them. I want to see them grow in their lives and the realization of who they are. See their dreams being fulfilled and being there to support then through their life's storms, trials and tribulations. To see their smiles of joy when they succeed. To watch them walk down the isle and gaze at wonderment as they see their babies for the first time. One of my life's realizations is that...that is what makes life wonderful and rich. Not to be rich and famous but to enjoy the everyday that life brings.
Everyday means so much more to me now. It always did though. I am one of those idealistic persons who sees life through rose colored glasses. I choose to see the beauty in the world and not to focus on the ugly. Ugly hits you in the face enough in life so when it hits I deal with it but then as soon as possible turn back to beauty. Maybe that is why I love making people feel pretty and I love to paint pictures of pretty things. One of my gifts is exhortation. I love lifting people up to see the beauty in them and all the possibilities life can bring to them. I think at times I can be very annoying to people who want to stay in victim mode and wallow in self pity...lol. I have had to learn and I learned the hard way that people can be very stubborn and want to stay in those dark places. There at times I have had to remove such people from my life. People like that will try to suck all the energy from you and turn around and blame you for their choices. I don't have time for people who will not see the possibilities.
Having cancer I thought was going to be just a scary terrible place to be and it was not going to deny that....It is hard having to face the possibility that life could be heading towards it's finale. Oddly enough there was something actually beautiful in the entire journey. I know that sounds weird but it was not as scary as I thought and during it I was faced to look at my life. It made me re-evaluate a lot of my life's choices and non choices. My non choices were letting some of my dreams wither away and living totally for everyone else around me and sacrificing me in the process. I now have my bucket list and am finding ways to still be a great wife and mom but to fulfill my dreams. The dreams that fulfill my spirit.
I have always had a close relationship with God. I have always felt Him close by my side. Even as a child I knew He was there. Alive and very real in my life. I left Him for a while during my youth...always believing but just a little to busy to be bothered. He is such a gentleman...He knew I would return and he patiently waited for my return. He has been by my side through every storm. When I heard my mom had lung cancer I felt like I couldn't breath. He helped me to breath. While driving one day I started sobbing hysterically after visiting her. I couldn't even drive...I had to pull to the side of the road. I was calling out to Him...crying out "NOT this God...NOT this...How can you expect me to go through this?" Through my hysteria...I heard this strong gentle voice say to me "Yes you can because I am with you." I knew at that moment she was not going to make it but I felt this peace overcome me a peace that only He could give me. At that time He was not only was beside me...He carried me. He carried me when I lost my dad...when I lost baby James....through a 14 year drug addiction with my husband...during the deaths of my grandparents...and he carried me through my cancer. I can not even imagine experiencing those times with out him by my side to keep reminding me to just breathe.
So as I enter day 27 of Juice Feasting....still plateauing...feeling a bit frustrated and the strong desire to eat I guess I have the strength to continue...cause really in the whole scheme of things life is still pretty darn wonderful cause I still am breathing.
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